Welp… this is the third time I have stopped using tumblr and restarting. Guaranteed this won’t last because I always obsess over something for about 5 minutes and then move on. BUT I’m going to start fresh and clean…

Me and my boyfriend of almost two years broke up about two months ago. Since then, my life has been full of nothing but tears, heartbreak, confusion and drama. I want it to stop… right now.

I’ll give you a quick low-down. We broke up because he lied to me about something huge. We were in a stage of “ehh” ness, where we didn’t know what was gonna be next. Well, he found another girlfriend and started dating her. Then, he broke up with his girlfriend, we had a weekend of romance and then he went back to her. THEN I came home for spring break, he tried to get into my pants, then he made it official the day after I left to come back to school. Afterwards, he called me, crying, telling me how much he missed me and how she could never compare to me, that I was the best and always would be, that he was still in love with me, that he didn’t know why he was even with her, etc, etc. Today I found out he tells her “i love you.” This bullshit is finally over.

I realized something today. That loving someone really throws you through a loop. I don’t regret loving him, but I do wish I would have kept some sense of self while we were dating. But it was so hard because he wanted to follow me across the country and start a life with me. I now realize it was all a crock of bull…

I am ready to move forward. OFFICIALLY. I miss him, of course. But he isn’t the person I fell in love with two years ago anymore. Or maybe it was just that I never really knew him at all… It’s up for discussion.

I am going somewhere in life, and I know it. I have so much potential and drive, especially now. Life has huge plans for me and I can’t wait to see what they are.

Right now, however, is a whole other story.

My life is a mess, really. I am involved in so much it’s hard to swallow it all. (yes, I realize that is a “thats what she said.) I am a reporter, a full time student, a kohl’s slave, a newsletter writer, a sister of Gamma Xi Delta, VP of Programming of said sorority, and a girl who loves nothing more than going out on a thurs-sun night.

I can be witty…sometimes. Sometimes, I can be cynical. I can be optimistic. But the one thing I never cease to be, is perfect.

HAHA totally kidding. had to say it.

no but seriously…

OKAY well now that I’m done rambling about nonsense that no one is even going to read, I am going to watch tv before bed. see ya

you make me sick. we were together for 2 years and after 2 weeks you’re ready to pursue another relationship?! how the fuck is that normal? obviously you dont care about me. im sitting here balling my eyes out while you’re fucking someone else…that is not fucking okay. and when you’re with her you cant even acknowledge me? you are one fucking piece of work. i did everything for you, i gave you everything i had. and this is how i getting fucking repaid? and you say that you had feelings for her while we were still dating?! you’re a fucking liar, and probably a cheater. you lay in bed with me, holding me, kissing me, and all you’re fucking thinking about is her. that’s cheating. you told me there was no other girl after you had the BALLS to ask me if there was someone else for me?! now i know why you asked… because you were so ready to move on already. im sitting here sulking and you go out and pull this shit? you tell me that we’ll still be friends but then while she’s around we’re not. that is not okay either. how can you do that to me? to ME?! the person who is so called “the only one for you” and “the girl you want to marry”… that was all a crock of bull. how could you even tell me that you still love me? im still in love with you, you fucking idiot. but obviously you dont feel the same. you are ready to be with someone else already, YOUR BEST FRIEND’S EX GIRL, while im up here, not okay. if i fucking died right now, you wouldnt even come to the funeral. you’d pretend to be upset but you’d actually be happy that you dont have any obligation to me. well here, ill do you a fucking favor. you have no fucking obligation to me. not like that means anything because you already dont think that you do. and how am i causing problems? you’re the one making an absolute fool out of me. i made you a better person, and you still have the audacity to pull something like this on me. this is worse than before. i gave you another fucking chance and this is what i get. a whole new round of heartbreak. im done feeling like this. you dont care about me so stop saying that you do. if you cared about me you would be here right now. if i even wanted to get back with you and give us another shot, you would say no, because you’re with that other fucking whore. well you know what? have fucking fun with that fucking psycho. i dont want anything to do with you. i will NEVER be able to look in your eyes again…all ill see is a black fucking hole. i had so much faith in you.. i saw myself marrying you one day. and you told me, not you promised me, that would happen. but theres another promise broken, just like all the other ones. why do you even bother trying to be nice to me? i know it’s all fake. bc the second your with her, its all fucking bullshit. i hope she’s a good fucking lay, bc you’ll never be able to make love to me again…ever. never. no one will ever be able to show you the kind of love, to give you what i gave you, and one day you will realize what a huge fucking mistake that you have made. right now you might think im psycho, when in reality, you’re the fucking lunatic. you’re a pathological liar and you will do anything to have someone love you. NEWSFLASH she is using you.. she’s still in love with her ex (your so called best friend) and the best way to get back at him is to be with you. so have fun getting your heartbroken. i fucking hate you, and i hope you fucking choke. dont fucking talk to me. we are NOT friends. i tried that already. and you shot me down. fuck you. seriously. never speak to me. dont call me or text me or facebook me. i want nothing to do with you ever again. you’re a fucking piece of trash that cant spell and will never amount to anything in your entire life. you were a fucking waste of my time and i regret ever being with you. you are the biggest mistake of my life, and i will never make that mistake again. fuck you, you fucking prick.

-me

I know I did. This Christmas was absolutely amazing, as was New Year’s. I loved being able to relax and hang out with my family. I forget how utterly amazing they all are.

I’ve been keeping pretty busy. I am house-sitting for next door neighbors, who don’t really have wireless, so it’s hard to be online. I love it though; I get a space of my own and their dog, Harry, is effing adorable as anything. He’s really old but still acts like a puppy. I just wish I wasn’t so allergic to him.

I went to the doctor’s and they said my BP was perfect. I guess stress and caffeine are my two real triggers or high BP. Hopefully this break will give my body time to relax before the school and work starts up again.

I also started seeing a dermatologist. I suffer from systic acne and it’s getting progressively worse. I am basically a prime candidate for acutane, but with that you have to be on birth control and because of my BP, I can’t be on birth control… therefore, no acutane. SO my doctor prescribed me a pill and some topical medicines.

I am determined this year to really keep up with my body. I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you, and say that I’m going to hard core diet and exercise, because I know that’s not gonna happen. However, I do want to try to make an effort to watch what I eat and maybe start going to the gym in my spare time. My main goal is to rid myself of my acne. I sincerely want to fix my skin because I am sick of being a 20 year old who looks like their 16 because they have pimples all over their face. I have the proper tools, I just need to take advantage of them…and that’s what I’m planning to do.

There’s some more I would like to discuss but I’m tired and it’s almost 3am. I’d rather not wake up at 2pm like I did today, so I’m gonna go to sleep. I’ll talk to ya’ll when I talk to ya.

sorry I have been MIA. I go through these periods of time where I get super busy and lose my infatuation with something (aka tumblr). What I mean by this is I get so obsessed with something, and then a few weeks later, I’m totally over it. Besides, the whole reason for me making one of these was so I could keep writing. WELL now I write like it’s my job. 2 Cigar articles a week, plus the 4 papers I had to write this week for finals AND an english portfolio. Good times. Oh, made an easy 150 bucks for writing a paper for one of my boyfriend’s friends. It was the easiest thing ever and a wonderful way to put my skills to use.

Oh, and I’m supposed to be making $75 a month for the Cigar butttt I don’t know what’s going on with that.

Let’s see what else. I’ve been working nonstop this week: Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Today and Tomorrow. BUT then I’m done with Kohls for like a month. HOLLERRR. AND my check next week is gonna be BANGIN. but this week, not so much. I’m struggling to pay for my christmas gifts and I’m praying that I get everything I’m supposed to for everybody so I dont look like a complete ass.

I really need to start eating healthier. It’s just hard when you work during odd periods of the day and don’t get to eat at regular times.

IM GOING HOME ON MONDAY and I couldn’t be happier about it. I need a break so badly. PLUS I’m getting new bp meds so hopefully I start to feel normal again. But I guess the large coffee that I get everyday doesn’t help things.

My b, yo. sorry, life has been so overwhelming lately…

Now, where did I leave off?

Let’s see… It’s now official between me and christopher. I am so proud of him. I asked him to get a car and he did, and both of our lives are so much easier.

I celebrated my birthday on the 28th. I was a wastey case but it was BANGIN’.

I’ve gotten uplifting comments from two of my professors that made me feel better about myself. WOOHOO

I am the new VP of Programming for my sorority. Yes, another responsibility. YA THINK I CAN HANDLE IT?! I probably can’t, but I might as well give it a shot.

Christopher is coming up this weekend YAY! It’s date night so he gets to meet all my new pretty sisters. AND we’re going to get my tiffany’s necklace HOORAY! BUT I have to work both friday and Saturday WAH but it’s only 4 hour shifts, nbd.

Finals are coming :( But I only have one exam, spanish, and that should go pretty well.. The others are papers and such which are right up my alley. So I’m not really stressing too much.

I think that’s the only real updates in my life. so it’s night night time. see ya’ll laytaa

not being prepared enough for graduation. I feel like there’s so much I have to do but I’m pretty much doing it all. I just want to be qualified in my field and succeed in life. I just hope I’m good at what I do.

ALSO going to spain in the summer. it’s scaring me shitless because I’m gonna be in an entirely different country away from my friends and family. but I really want to go.

14. Your life story in three words.

out of control

15. A prank you’ve pulled on someone and a prank someone’s pulled on you. What were your feelings and thoughts through out each. Have your feelings and thoughts changed?

Prank on someone else: HAHA okay so when me, amanda, chris and anthony went to hershey, we played a really mean joke on chris. Me, Amanda and anthony went to go get slushies I put a quarter in my drink (well it fell inside). To make things interesting, us 3 pretended that if we found a special coin in our drink, we win a free meal at the hotel. He was so psyched and we played it off the entire day. But then we started to feel bad and I finally told him the truth.. well he cried. HAHA he thought we were taking pity on him and said that we had a free meal so we wouldnt make him pitch in bc he didnt have much money. which was CLEARLY not the case. While I do feel bad doing it, he completely took it the wrong way, and I don’t really feel bad.

Prank on Me: Chris had me convinced for a little while that he was going to miss my birthday because he had a soccer training session. At first I thought he was kidding but then he showed me a website and I started getting really upset. I ended up crying and when I told him I was crying, he told me he was just kidding. Looking back at it now, I feel dumb for crying but I haven’t seen him in almost a month now so I got really upset. WHATEVA

Say Anything. I’ve been listening to their album, “Say Anything”, on repeat for the entire week. I just can’t stop listening.

i’m young, i’m dumb, i’m stung.

love love love.